Transdimensional Archives

[See Profiles of A New Team for disclaimer]

Gossip, Gossip, Gossip
By Crypt

" 'Dear Gasket; I am but another one of what you call pathetic humans. However, for a robot, I think you are a hhhhunk!! I mean you are, like, H-O- T-T, hot! Maybe we can get together sometime and put together something really good. Yours truly, Jenny.' "

Jenny handed the letter to the Cog that was impatiently waiting at her table. Then a purple portal-like thing flew by and sucked up the Cog. Jenny brushed her palms against each other as her friends started laughing. A small portion of the Spice Club sat around the tables at the Angel Grove Juice Bar while Lt. Stone placed sodas in front of each of them. Well, all except Spinal that is. As Lt. Stone started to walk away, Jenny gently tugged on his sleeve.

"Hey, you've been the owner of this place for several months now, and they still call you Lt. Stone?" she asked.

"That's right," Lt. Stone replied.

"Why's that?" asked the Cryptkeeper.

"I honestly have no idea," said Lt. Stone. "Well, I need to get back to work. Enjoy your sodas."

The Spices nodded as he went to serve the other customers.

"I have one question," Spinal said in his high-pitched, scratchy voice. "How did this whole fight against evil start?"

"You should ask when it started," C.K. replied.

"From what I heard, Zordon trapped Rita Repulsa in an intergalactic trash can 10,000 years ago," Jenny explained.

"Uh, pardon me, but did you just say '10,000 years ago?' " Sal asked.

"Sure did. When she escaped like a couple of years ago, she attacked the Earth immediately," Jenny went on. "Zordon chose Jason, Zack, Billy, Kimberly and Trini to become Power Rangers. They must've done a hell of a good job, 'cause here we are, sitting around the table together."

"And then Tommy showed up. He made a hell of a first impression, because Rita was impressed and made him the evil Green Ranger," the Cryptkeeper added. "He was pure evil; he tore up the Command Center, he nearly stabbed Jason to death…"

"I liked his laugh, though," Jenny interrupted. "That's the only thing I liked. Otherwise, I wanted to kill that man. I've always wanted to kill that man. In fact, I still want to kill that man!"

"Oh, honey, why can't you just forgive and forget like the Rangers do?" the Cryptkeeper asked.

"Well, I would, if that were the only time he'd tried to kill us," Jenny replied. "Remember the time Tommy stole the Necronomican from us and gave it to Goldar? And then there was the time he disappeared, then came back…as the King of the Machine Empire!"

"Wow. He must be evil," Spinal agreed.

"Y'know," Brooklyn began, "I still can't believe you didn't say anything like, 'Tommy, we're not your enemies, we're your friends, Gasket's tricking you, you're brainwashed!' and all that junk!"

"Did you think he'd believe me?" Jenny asked.

"Uh…no," Brooklyn replied shamefully.

"Oh, I was so close to killing that guy!" Jenny growled. "We wouldn't have to worry about him turning on us again."

"I know, but Tommy's not a Ranger anymore," said C.C. "T.J. took his place, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Speaking of which, are you getting along any better with T.J.?" Spinal asked.

"Of course," Jenny said.

"Okay, back to the storyline," the Cryptkeeper said.

"Okay, after like a zillion tries, Rita couldn't destroy the Rangers," Jenny continued. "So Lord Zedd came along and threw her back in the trash can. He obviously couldn't destroy the Rangers either."

"And then Jason, Zack and Trini were called to a World Peace Conference of some sort, so they got Rocky, Adam, and Aisha to take their place," the Cryptkeeper said. "Which brings to mind the Beamcaster…"

"No, no, no! Shut up!" Spinal cried. "I do not want to hear about that guy!"

"What was so bad about this Beamcaster?" Brooklyn asked.

"He threw Zedd Waves at people and put them under his spell," Jenny replied. "And I decided that the last thing Angel Grove needed was people walking around like a bunch of mindless zombies!"

"So, what did you do?"

"I got hypnotized anyway."


The Spices chuckled.

"Luckily, Spinal here was immune to the Zedd Waves due to the fact that he lacked internal organs," C.C. explained. "That means he had no brain waves to take over."

"All I had to do was kill that monster, but it wasn't easy with all of you guys getting in my way!" Spinal added.

"Sorry." The others all shrugged their shoulders.

"And then here's when things got really interesting," Jenny went on. "When Rito Revolto came along and destroyed the Thunderzords."

"Oh yeah!" the others laughed.

"Y'know, as soon as he destroyed those zords, I wanted to take him on mano-a- mano," Hanim said.

"Me too," said Sal. "Let's just see how tough he really is."

Suddenly, the Cog returned and handed Jenny a note. She gasped in surprise.

"Whoa. I wasn't really expecting a response," she commented. She opened the note and read it aloud:

" 'I couldn't care less about how hot you think I am. I am already married to Archerina, and I love only her. As far as I'm concerned, you stay out of my business! The only thing we can put together when we get together is your destruction. Gasket.' "

"Well." Jenny snatched a pen from her backpack and wrote a note back. When she gave it to the Cog, it left.

"What'd you write? What'd you write?" the others asked eagerly.

"I wrote, 'Oh, you wouldn't want to destroy me. I'm just too cute.' "

The others laughed.

"So then the Rangers went over to the Desert of Despair to get new power. They met Ninjor."

"Ninjor! I liked that guy!" Sal said.

"I did, too; he was nice," said C.C.

"Now for the Machine Empire," Jenny moved on. "I hated King Mondo; he was mean."

"Remember when he sent down Wolfbane?" Hanim asked. "That monster was impossible!"

"That is, until the Gold Ranger showed up," Brooklyn said.

"That guy was scary," C.C. said. "He'd pop out of nowhere, and before you realize it, he's gone."

"You call him creepy?" Spinal asked. "If anyone is scary, it's the Phantom Ranger."

"Are you still afraid of the Phantom Ranger, Spinal?" Jenny asked.

Spinal nodded.

"That guy is mysterious," C.C. commented. "He never says a word…"

"He does too say a word," Jenny interrupted. "What a thing to say!"

"Oooh, you've heard the Phantom Ranger talk before!?" Hanim cried in excitement. "What's his voice like?"

"Is it sexy?" C.C. asked, sending the others laughing.

"I guess you would call it sexy; I don't know," Jenny replied, feeling a little embarrassed.

"So, Jenny, since we zoomed passed the Machine Empire, tell us how you're getting along with Elgar," the Cryptkeeper suggested.

"Well, it's just the usual. He'd pop up when I least expect it and propose to me," Jenny explained. "I can never get through to him."

"Has he tried to kiss you yet?" Sal asked.

"Uh…," Jenny's eyes widened. "Thank goodness, no."

"Be glad, my dear," said the Cryptkeeper.

Out of nowhere, the Cog appeared again with yet another note.

"Oooh, what's it say?" the Spices asked eagerly.

Jenny took the note and read it out loud.

" 'Beat it, kid, before I sic the Cogs on you!' "

The Spices were instantly roaring with laughter. Jenny pointed her finger at the Cog.

"Well, just tell him to go right ahead! We Spices could use a challenge," she said.

The Cog vanished again.

"So, what do y'all think of the new Rangers?" the Cryptkeeper asked.

"I like Carlos," Jenny replied. "I like his accent. 'Shift into Turbo!' "

"Justin does a pretty good job for a kid," said Hanim.

"Eeuw; I don't like Justin," Spinal said. "He attacked me at the power plant and I don't appreciate it."

"Did you know that Justin has a crush on Hallie?" Jenny asked.

The others gasped. "He does?"

Jenny nodded matter-of-factly. "Yep."


"Okay," Jenny sighed. "What did you guys think of, 'I am Auric the Conquerer, defender of all that is good and true!' ?"

"Oh my gosh; what a jerk!" the Cryptkeeper replied.

"He may talk in a tough-guy voice and be serious about protecting the innocent, but it's obvious that he can't do it," Hanim said.

"He's not too bright either," Jenny added. "He never did call me by my real name. He always called me something like 'sister,' or 'sweetheart,' 'darling,' sweetcakes,' you know, those kind of names. And I'll tell you another thing. Whenever he came around, he always made me feel stupid in some way."

"Same here," Sal said.

"Can you believe how many people thought we were evil?" Spinal asked. "There's Ninjor, Auric, Justin, the Blue Senturion…"

"Tommy," Jenny interrupted.

"Of course, we can't forget him," Spinal admitted.

"He was like, 'As King of this mighty Machine Empire, I vow to rid the universe of your evil once and for all,' " Jenny quoted. "Then he lets out this evil laugh, and I'm like, 'You think I'm evil; well, look at you!' I don't know why the bad guys always have to brainwash him; he's evil enough as he is."

"Yet he poses as Mr. Niceguy," the Cryptkeeper added. "The worst kind of bad guy."

"Well, since Spinal brought up the Blue Senturion just a minute ago, I also noticed that you didn't try to convince him that you weren't evil," Brooklyn said to Jenny.

"He's a police officer," Jenny told him. "You know how those guys are."

"Really?" Brooklyn asked.

"Yeah," Jenny said. " 'You have the right to remain silent…' "

The others joined her on the next line. " 'Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.' "

"Oh." Brooklyn was again speechless.

"Hey, you know who I liked?" Jenny asked. "General Havoc."

"Oh, he was weird," Spinal said. " 'Would you care for a muffin?' "

" 'Sure; anything to keep us from surrendering,' " Jenny quoted. "And another thing: General Havoc thinks we're all cute."

"Awww…" the Spices muttered at once.

"Isn't that cute?" C.K. asked.

"There's a lot of love involved in the fight against evil," Hanim gushed.

"Once again, Tommy is the perfect example. There's also a lot of reverse psychology," Jenny added. "Remember how he told us that he was trying to destroy us because he loves us?"

"That did NOT make any sense!" Sal cried.

"I liked the time where Ashley and Cassie were fighting over Bobby," Brooklyn said.

"It wasn't just those two, but it was all the girls in the school," Jenny said.

"Yeah; go, Bobby Spice!" C.K. sang.

"I'm not surprised that the girls were all over him; he was a shy guy," Hanim said.

"Really? Well, guess what?" C.C. said. "Sweet little Spinal here is the shyest guy around." She put her arm around Spinal, rubbed his ribcage, and kissed his cheekbone.

"Are you sure, C.C.?" asked Sal. "Bobby was pretty damn shy."

"Guys, I am not going to be drawn into a shyest-guy-in-the-world contest," Spinal said. "It's utterly ridiculous."

Suddenly, a female voice boomed over the building from outside.

"I am Astonema, queen of all evil!" she yelled. "I have come to claim this wretched planet in the name of Dark Specter! Anyone who wishes to challenge my forces, step outside now!"

With the Rangers off in space saving Zordon, the Spices knew that they'd be the only ones crazy enough to challenge. They looked at each other with a slight grin. While the Rangers communicated through watches, the Spices communicated through rings. Jenny opened hers and spoke.

"We need you guys right outside the Youth Center now," she said.

She and the others stood up and started heading outside.

"No challengers, eh?" Astronema called.

"We're coming; keep your shirt on, lady!" Sal yelled.

"There's no lady up there, Sal," Jenny told him.

"Uh, guys…" Spinal began.

"Come on, Spinal," the Cryptkeeper urged. "We're all in this together."

When the Spices got outside, the whole team was waiting. They looked up at the ship which was hovering above the building.

"Hi!" they called cheerfully in unison, waving. "We're the Spice Club!"

"So, you wish to challenge me?" Astronema asked.

"Of course; that's why we're standing out here," Jenny said.

"Very well. Let's see how well you do against the Quantrons."

A large group of silver-armored creatures appeared. They carried menacing thick curved blades. When they outnumbered the 32 Spice Club members, they took a fighting stance.

"Whoa," the Spices mumbled in unison. They took a fighting stance of their own.

"ATTACK!!!" Astronema ordered.

The Quantrons charged as the Spices scrambled around each other. Most of their fighting tactics are too brutal to describe. However, the Quantrons were startled by the Spices' aggressiveness and their ability to chain so many attacks together in one. Soon, the Spices were cut up and bleeding, but they kept fighting as if unharmed. As they were fighting, Elgar popped out of nowhere. Jenny turned to him and gasped.

"What are you doing here?" she cried.

"Baby, I just can't leave you!" Elgar replied, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. "You're just too nice. Now come on; gimme some sugar, baby!"

He leaned toward her while she tried to push him away.

"No!" she gasped. "Get away from me!"

Her pushing was to no avail, as Elgar was getting closer. To her surprise, he paused.

"You know, you haven't told me your name," he said. "I must know your name! Please tell me!"

Jenny broke free and kicked him away. "Just call me Tonfa Spice," she told him.

"Tonfa Spice? I like it," Elgar said.

A Quantron grabbed Jenny's arm, but she simply shook free and punched it with her opposite stick. "Get off me, you overgrown kitchen utensil!"

Another Quantron kicked Spinal in the ribcage, sending him into Jenny. They both fell over as the Quantron prepared to attack with its blade. Spinal rolled off Jenny; the Quantron brought the blade down into her back. As she let out a scream of pain, Spinal stood up and drove his sword into the Quantron's shoulder. Then Spinal helped Jenny to her feet.

"That's enough!" Astronema shouted. "I'll be back to get you!"

Elgar and the Quantrons vanished, and the spaceship flew back into space.

"Whoo!" Jenny cried. "We rule! We rule! We rule! Yeeeeaaaaahhhh!"

The other Spices started dancing. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho…!"

Jenny stood there, chuckling.

"Do you think she'll really get us, Sis?" Hallie asked.

"Tell her to dream on," Jenny replied.

"Yeah! Ya hear that!?" Brak shouted at the sky. "Dream on!!!"

The Spices began to sing in beautiful harmony: "Dream on, dream away. I think I'm gonna have to stay…"

"Well, we can't go back in the Youth Center looking like this," Brooklyn said, staring down at his blood-drenched body.

"No problem. Nothing a shower followed by a nice nap can't take care of," Jenny said.

"I'd go for a nice nap anytime," Spinal added.

Spinal loves to sleep and spends most of his time doing it.

"Let's get home," suggested their leader.

The Spices travelled to the abandoned funeral parlor, washed off, and slept peacefully.