Disclaimer: Spoof, don't take it seriously. I'm violating so many copyright and violation of privacy laws here… Enjoy!
Really Need
By Jeremy Ray Logsdon
"Fellow Rangers, I'm sorry, but I'm outta here," Green Ginger Ranger said. "I'm tired of being just one superhero in a group of five. I want to be on my own, like Supergirl, or Wonder Woman!"
"Bye," Scary Ranger said, not taking her gaze from the computer console before her.
"Toodles," Baby Ranger remarked, not taking her attention away from her lollipop.
"See ya," Sporty Ranger said, high-kicking for emphasis.
"What-ever," Posh Ranger added, putting her fingers up in a 'W.'
"But," Ginger Ranger stammered, "what about… I mean…" She put her hands on her hips and cried, "You were supposed to be trying to stop me!"
"Jason, Trini, and Zack pulled this crap and they ended up at a Peace Conference," Alpha said. "We've got song superstars everywhere wanting to join the Power Rangers. You can be replaced." Alpha hit the console before him and Ginger teleported away in a white streak. A Green Zeonizer hit the ground where she had been standing.
"We gotta get ourselves a fifth Ranger!" Pink Baby Ranger cried, jumping to her feet.
"How about that twangy little country girl," Red Scary Ranger commented. "Remember her?"
"We could hold auditions!" Yellow Sporty Ranger shouted.
"Yes," Zordon agreed. "We will hold auditions to replace the Green Ranger."
Sometime later, a long line of country and pop superstars were lined up in the Power Chamber. The four Rangers were morphed so as to preserve their identities.
Alpha escorted a young blonde woman up to the Rangers' table. "My name is LeAnn Rimes," she said.
"Ranger name?" Scary asked.
"Well, since my hit song was 'blue,' I thought I could be blue Ranger."
"Nope," Blue Posh Ranger said. "I'm Blue Ranger."
"No, I meant, I could be Green blue Ranger."
"Too confusing," Baby commented.
"How about Commitment Ranger?"
"Next," Sporty called.
"Unchained Melody Ranger?!" LeAnn cried as Alpha pulled her away. "Angel Ranger! Cattle Call Ranger! C'mon! I've released around twenty albums in the past year! There are all kinds of songs! Hurt Me Ranger! Ticket Ranger! Honestly Ranger! PLEASE!!!" She continued to scream suggestions as Alpha pulled her away.
"Hi," Faith Hill smiled as she approached the table. Her hands rested on her swollen stomach.
"Are you pregnant?" Scary asked.
"Ye- no," she answered.
"Ranger name?"
"Kiss Ranger."
"Next!"
"How about Gracie's Mama Ranger?"
"NEXT!"
Faith Hill frowned as Alpha led her out of the Power Chamber. "Hi, I'm Shania," Shania Twain said.
"Ooh, she won't even have to change her wardrobe," Baby whispered.
"Ranger name?"
"Gol-durn Ranger."
"Ungh," Posh grunted. "Next."
"Fine," Shania snapped. "I'm off to Switzerland, just to get away from it all!"
Lila McCann approached the table next. "Ranger name?"
"Blackbird Rang-"
"Next!"
Deana Carter was next in line. "Ranger name?"
"Strawberry Ranger," she said, smiling. "C'mon, you know it sounds good."
"Too good," Sporty commented. "Next?"
An attractive blonde woman without shoes approached the table. "Hi, my name is Mindy McCready, and my Ranger name would be Kryptonite Ranger."
"I don't get it," Posh said.
"Yeah, but those of us who do really appreciate it," Baby smiled. "But… you're barefoot. That's just nasty. Next."
A very well-endowed blonde approached the table. In a country drawl, she said, "Hi. My name is Dolly Parton, and I would be The Best Little Ranger in Texas."
"Next!"
"Hi," an old man groaned as he approached the table. "My name is Mick Jagger, and I'd like to be Old Spice. Er, I mean Old Ranger."
"Next!"
"Hey!" Rosie O'Donnell shouted. "I'm here for the Ranger tryouts. I'll be Cutie Patootie Ranger!"
"Next!"
"I'm Alicia Silverstone, and I'll be either Clueless Ranger or Batgirl Ranger, whichever you prefer."
"Hey! I'm the only blonde on this team, baby!" Baby Ranger shouted. "You can just get outta here!"
"What-ever," Alicia quipped as she walked away.
"Does she even sing?" Posh asked.
"Guys, we aren't going to find anyone like this!" Scary cried. "We're going to have to get out there and look for ourselves!"
"In public?" Baby asked. "Without Ginger to do all of the talking for us?"
"Ooh, look over there!" Scary shouted. The four morphed Rangers ran over to two girls, one with eerie blue eyes and a strange haircut while the other wore hiking boots, glasses, and a green jacket.
"Look Jane," the girl in the green jacket said in a flat voice. "Power Rangers."
"Hi!" Baby Ranger cried as she ran up to them. "We're looking for Power Rangers. Are either of you interested?"
"No," the two girls said in unison.
"Let's go, Daria," Jane sighed.
"You don't want to be Power Rangers?" Scary asked.
"No," they said in unison again.
"Why not?" Posh asked.
"We go to a public high school," Daria started in a monotone. "Every day, we survive roving gangs of fashion girls, comatose football jocks, and brain dead teachers intent on making our lives a living hell. After doing all that, defending the planet wouldn't seem like much of a challenge."
The four Rangers watched in horrified awe as the two girls walked away. "Let's get a man Ranger," Sporty suggested. She pointed to two skinny teenagers, one blonde, the other brunette. "There are some men. Sort of."
"Hey Beavis," the brown-haired teen said. "There goes Diarrhea."
"Diarrhea cha cha cha!" they chanted in unison as Daria and Jane walked by. "Diarrhea, cha cha ch-"
"Butthead, look!" Beavis shouted. "Chicks!"
"And they're coming over here!" Butthead cried.
Laughing a repetitive heh-heh, Beavis added, "I bet they want us."
"Probably," Butthead agreed.
"Hey," Scary called, tipping her head in acknowledgment.
"Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh," Beavis and Butthead laughed in unison.
"Do one of you want to be Power Ranger?" Posh asked.
The two teens continued laughing, leaving the four Rangers with no choice but to walk away.
They were walking down the street when a pink station wagon leapt up over the curb and slammed into a tree. The large bald-headed man with yellow skin driving knocked his head against the steering wheel with a loud thump. Then, the air bag deployed. "DOH!"
"Rangers," Alpha said through their communicators, "we need to get a Green Ranger immediately!"
"He'll have to do!" Scary shouted.
A few moments later, the five Rangers were about to battle Cogs. The Green Ranger was a man, although a portly beer belly lapped over his belt. "Power Rangers!" they all shouted.
"Rangers!" the man finished after the others. "DOH!"